Mandatory Parker: “When Twits Clash”

When An Irresistible Lint-Covered Breast Implant Encounters An Immovable Doorstop

Report from the front: Day 21 of the Great Kaiju War. Code Name “Parker” is getting used to his territory being invaded incessantly by Code Name “Winston.” (Note: Command, Honey Huan to my Uncle Duke, notes that the current code names make the two sound like butlers. Because yelling “Winston, get off that counter NOW!” and “Parker, quit drinking out of the toilet!” is overly dignified, we recommend switching them to new code names “Fuzzbutt” and “Q-Tip.” Explanations to follow.) The hissing and yowling in the middle of the night is now to a minimum. Parker is no longer frantic for attention at 3 in the morning, and Winston now has understanding that two of the occupants of the Combat Zone need more than a couple of hours of sleep. They eat together, take turns defiling the litter box, and even alternate on prime sleeping spots. They are not to the point of sleeping next to each other, but they definitely pass by each other without instigating shenanigans at the front door or in the TV room.

(Supplemental Report: Code Name Parker was already well-known for his television addiction, and often woke up this chronicler to turn on reruns of The Walking Dead. Recommend informing Norman Reedus that he has at least one very dedicated feline fan. Code Name Winston has less of an interest in television watching, but balances that out with widely disparate tastes, with his yelling if the channel selector goes past Stargate Atlantis. This phenomenon demands further study, especially considering Parker’s tastes in music (with a high proportion of Project Pitchfork and Santa Hates You during Twitch feeds from Panoptikon on Friday nights) compared to Winston’s tastes in blues and classical.)

The main issue ongoing between the two involves Winston’s construction. Code Name Winston follows the typical kaiju archetype, but apparently fabrication issues bypassed quality control. Among others, front limbs are at least two centimeters shorter than rear limbs, so CNW tends to start challenge displays and retaliation attacks by standing on his hind legs and slamming down in what is referred to as a “bug stomp.” In general weight, Winston and Parker match up, but Parker’s is evenly distributed while Winston’s is mostly in his hindquarters. This is aggravated by Winston’s skull being easily half the size of Parker’s, giving him an advantage with digging in closets, investigating noises coming from underneath the dishwasher, and breaking Parker’s headlocks. Indeed, combining that with Winston’s addiction to the taste of cat earwax and his determination to get every last crumb out of Parker’s ears suggests a much more accurate code name of “Q-Tip.”

Between massive rear haunches and a lack of brain mass to weigh down the front, Winston reaches truly impressive speeds in chases and ambushes, especially since Parker’s lack of rear claws prevents him from engaging in similar bursts of acceleration. Both features lead to his slamming into walls, doors, and furniture, to the point where a code name change to “Grace” is just cruel. The study of Winston’s physiology and natural history continues, but one certainty is that his nether density allows him to impact the ground with a very satisfying shockwave that may require seismograph data to understand. This may also explain his eating habits, as he shows all of the gustatory skill of a plecostomus or lamprey by shoving his face into food, vacuuming what he can into his oral pore, and lets everything else fall around his feet. Installing lips, or at least a feeding chute, at a future time may be necessary.

Another aspect of study of Code Name Winston involves creating a new scale for shed cat fur. The previous scale was based on Parker’s predecessor, Code Name “Leiber,” and his incredible ability to shed masses of cat fur equal to his body weight, especially when spooked or surprised. On this scale, one Leiber was a vacuum cleaner dust chamber completely full of cat fur or a brushed lump of fur that instigated a scream of “WHY IS THIS CAT NOT BALD?”, and later research required the designation of the “Parker,” which was five Leibers within a week. 21 days with Winston requires a further designation: his truly monstrous winter coat shedding required describing the “Winston,” which is 5 Parkers within a week. Obviously, standard cleaning may be inadequate, and experiments with garden rakes to pull cat felt off furniture and out of the carpet are ongoing. This is more vital than expected; at the rate Winston and Parker shed in spring, a lapse of one week in vacuuming and raking may prevent our reaching the front and garage doors and might require helicopter evacuation through a hole cut in the roof. Finding alternate uses for Winston fur, such as emergency traffic barriers, fire suppression blankets, and floating islands in local lakes, might also become necessary.

That said, the feline adventure is only beginning. Between Parker’s intelligence and Winston’s haunches, we dare not park the car in the garage or anywhere else they can reach the steering column. Further reports to follow.

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