And You Thought “It Beats Working Retail” Was Just A Metaphor
(Who was St. Remedius? And why is a medical college named after him?)
(The following is a direct transcription of an audio recording from the front counter of Mendellosian Books, a Dallas (Texas) bookstore located on the edge of the St. Remedius Medical College campus. The source assures the chroniclers of the Annals of St. Remedius Medical College that this transcript has not been edited in any way, and that this encounter repeated, nearly verbatim, at least ten times per day during the week and twice as many on weekends before the bookstore shut down after the disappearance of St. Remedius. Independent confirmation comes from the same exact conversations happening at multiple Barnes & Noble and Half Price Books stores in the Dallas area, suggesting either a temporal loop effect or that the bookbuyer reproduced.)
“Good morning.”
“Good morning, sir. How may I help you?”
“Do you have a copy of My Time As The UN Ambassador to the Harkun Conglomerate by Shelby Ashcraft, volumes one through ten?”
“I’m not familiar with that series, sir.”
“Never mind. How about Tyler Durden’s Favorite Cooking Spices?”
“I don’t believe we have it in stock, sir…”
“Not to worry. Can you help me with The King In Yellow?
“Ah, yes. Chambers.
“No.
“I beg your pardon?”
“No: Cory Silver.”
“I believe you’ll find that Robert W. Chambers wrote The King In Yellow.”
“That’s The King In Yellow, the stage play. I’m looking for The King In Yellow, the Movie Novelization by Cory Silver. I should have said.”
“Sorry, we don’t have that.”
“Funny: you have a lot of books here.”
“Indeed we do, but we don’t have The King In Yellow, the Movie Novelization by Cory Silver.”
“Are you sure?”
”Quite sure.”
“How about in the back?”
“I’m sure.”
“Could you just check?”
“I’m sure.”
“I don’t need the original printing. I’ll take the 2010 reprint with the introduction by David Manning.”
“Sorry, fresh out.”
“How about Al-Assif?”
“Well, we have that.”
“That’s probably Al-Azif by Abdul Alhazred, I need Al-Assif with two ‘S’es, also by Cory Silver.’”
“In that case, we don’t have anything by Cory Silver. He’s not very popular.”
“Not I Have No Anus And I Must Scratch?”
“No.”
“Never-Nude Elevenses?”
“No.”
“How about Beer and Gloaming in Los Alamos?”
“Definitely not.”
“Sorry to trouble you.”
“Glad to help. Have you tried Amazon?”
“I did. They sent me here.”
“DID they.”
“I was wondering if you have…”
“Oh, do go on, please.”
“I wonder if you might have…”
“Well, I can’t leave you standing here. I have to restock the magazine section…”
“Wait. I saw it over there.”
“What?”
“Naish’s Standard Guide To Cryptids.”
“Naish’s Standard Guide To Cryptids?”
“Yes.”
“N-A-I-S-H?”
“Yes.”
“C-R-Y-P-T-I-D-S?”
“Yes.”
“Well, we’ve got it.”
“The condensed version.”
“Wait a second. I didn’t quite catch that.
“The condensed version.”
“‘The condensed version of Naish’s Standard Guide to Cryptids’?”
“The one without the skunk ape.”
“They’ve all got the skunk ape! It’s a standard cryptid guide!”
“I don’t like them. They smell.”
“Then I’ll remove it!” (sound of paper tearing) “Any others you don’t like?”
“I don’t like the hodag.”
“Hodag!” (More tearing) “Any others?”
“I don’t like the VanderMeer’s warbler.”
“Warbler…warbler…warbler…” (Still more tearing) “There you go, sir! No skunk apes, no hodags, no VanderMeer’s warblers! There’s your book!”
“I can’t buy that book! It’s torn! I wonder if you have…”
“Go ahead! Ask me anything! We’ve got a lot of books here! It’s a bookshop!”
“How about Nodens Combs His Beard?”
“No, no, no, we don’t have that.”
“How about Psychophrenia, the Photonovel?”
“No, no, no, try again…”
“Oh, I know. The Crawling Chaos Goes To A Fancy Dress Party.”
“No, no, no, we don’t have…wait, what?”
“The Crawling Chaos Goes To A Fancy Dress Party.”
“The Crawling Chaos…” (choked laughter) “We’ve got it! I’ve seen it somewhere!” (more laughter, more maniacal this time) “Yes! Here we are! The Crawling Chaos Goes To A Fancy Dress Party!” (triumphant laughter) “Here’s your book! Now BUY IT!”
“I don’t have enough money!”
“I’ll take a deposit!”
“I haven’t got ANY money!”
“I’ll take a credit card!”
“I haven’t got a credit card.”
“Bitcoin, gold nuggets, soul nodes?
“I don’t have any of those.”
“RIGHT! I’LL BUY IT FOR YOU!” (cash register rings) “Here you go: here’s your book, here’s change, here’s a little extra for an Uber…”
“Wait! Wait! Wait”
“What is it NOW?”
“I have no eyes!”
(With severe apologies to the writers of a comedy skit from a troupe you’ve most likely never heard of.)
Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.
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