St. Remedius Medical College: “A Fae Fundraiser”

When Serial Entrepreneurs Find Environmental Activism

(Who was St. Remedius? And why is a medical college named after him?)

(The following video, reference materials, and outtakes from the St. Remedius Medical College video library, exclusively licensed for use by the Annals of St. Remedius. Unauthorized use of this video without subpoena is unauthorized and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.)

(Video starts with a closeup of a middle-aged white man, brown hair and brown eyes, wearing a work-casual dress shirt, Patagonia vest, a baseball cap reading “Michaels LLC,” and blue jeans. His eyes flash as he talks, possibly due to the sun in front of him, or possibly something else.)

“Hi! I’m Brandon Michaels, and I’m a recovered serial entrepreneur!”

(ADDITION: Montage of news feeds and videos, including headlines reading “8 Once-Thriving Companies Dead In 5 Years: Is A Serial Entrepreneur To Blame?” and “Serial Entrepreneur Claims 9th SaaS Victim,” a shot of the interior of an executive office with “STOP ME BEFORE I MBA AGAIN” written in blood on the wall behind the desk, and video of Michaels, face encrusted with cocaine and screaming incoherently, being put into a police van with a CNN chyron reading “Serial Entrepreneur ‘Creates Value’ To 10th Company: Police” and Michaels in prison orange with CNBC chryron reading “Michaels Given Probation for Savage Corporate Attacks” and “Sole Survivor: ‘Our 401Ks Will Never Be Safe’.”)

“You may know me from a few minor altercations in the news, but I’m here to talk to you about something vitally important to the people of the Dallas area. That is, the survival of Dallas’s fae.”

“Most people learn in grade school that most of the fae of the United States and Canada became extinct in the Twentieth Century after years of overhunting and habitat destruction, with the worst losses in North Texas. Most of the survivors are invasive species, such as the leprechauns and goblins that gnaw on power cables and swimming pool filter lines, and the native species hang on by a thread. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I’m proud to announce that I’m leading the way to returning the local Fae to their original numbers and variety, and I’m asking you for help.”

“All over the Dallas area, particularly in the northern suburbs of Richardson and Plano, you may see incessant construction that appears to be unfinished. Removed guardrails, torn-out conduit boxes, excavation pits full of rainwater and mosquitoes, dirt piles that block off sidewalks and bike paths. These aren’t cases of city managers starting work before being distracted by shiny objects and fighting over whose budget pays for finishing the work. These are part of our efforts to create living and breeding spaces for some of the world’s rarest magical beings. That trench that catches marathon trainers and bicyclists is actually a migration corridor for earth elementals such as gromes and xur to reach preferred hibernation habitat. The unfinished pedestrian path bridge that stops over a 30-foot drop? Well, let me show you something.”

(Camera follows Michaels to show two animals appearing to be shaved red-brown horses, with cat’s eyes, sharp front teeth, manes made of what looks like seaweed, and fins and flippers instead of hooves. They instinctively shy away from Michaels, unable to escape because of heavy collars around their necks attached to high-tech electrical cables.)

“These two lovelies are Scottish kelpies from Loch Lomond. We named them ‘Sassenach’ and ‘Gobshite’ after the nicknames given to us by locals when we captured them, and they’re part of a massive rewilding program here in North Texas. All four indigenous kelpie species all became extinct in North America in the early 1950s due to river pollution and overhunting for their pelts, as well as by the abandonment of kelpie breeding farms when the fad for kelpie racing ended in the 1930s. Our dream is to obtain samples from preserved North American kelpie specimens at St. Remedius and merge DNA from them into existing Scottish kelpie DNA. (ADDITION: 5 seconds of video of attempts to release Scottish kelpies in American rivers, each attempt ending with the kelpie exploding upon touching the water.) We won’t be bringing the original kelpies back into the wild, but we hope to have a hybrid that can fill the ecological niche left by its extinct ancestor.”

(A disclaimer at the bottom of the screen, in tiny type: “St. Remedius Medical College is not involved in any way with this rewilding program, or with any other project or proposal of Michaels LLC.”)

(Camera cuts to Michaels standing in front of an excavation taking up two of three lanes of a busy thoroughfare, with one worker with a hand shovel slowly moving shovelfuls while surrounded by 15 coworkers staring at their phones.)

“Let me show you something else. To the unobservant, this looks like any other street maintenance project in Plano, but this is something very special. No racarwi bird has been seen in Plano since 1965, but not only are they back, but they’re laying eggs under roadways all through the Dallas area. We have to move slowly, though: we’re gathering the eggs to incubate them in safe locations away from predators and human collectors, but they’re sensitive to environmental disturbances, so our crew has to monitor the entire location so we don’t tip off those predators before we can remove the eggs. DOUG!”

(One worker pops up from his phone.) “Yessir!”

“So what’s our status?”

(Doug turns his phone to the camera, showing an intricate UI with what looks like a green grape cluster in the center.) “We’ve got 15 eggs, all of them are viable, and we should have them out in about two years!”

“That’s incredible! We should have rush hour traffic back to normal any day now!” (Camera moves to the one open lane, drivers waving and cheering as they inch by. A quick closeup of a bumper sticker reading “Save the Racarwi” before cutting away.)

“We’ve made massive successes with other fae, too. Thanks to a three-year research program, we managed to get dryads that thrive in our local Osage orange trees, and we’re working hard on getting them and their trees to the best of health. (Cut to an orange-haired woman with a long green flowing robe and pointed ears gently pruning Osage orange branches onto a walking trail, taking care to avoid the long spines on the fallen branches.) With luck, we could get dryads over most of their original range by 2030.” (The orange-haired woman turns, waves at the camera, and merges with the tree trunk, leaving the fallen branches on the trail.)

(Camera comes back to a closeup of Michaels, tears running down his face.) “To make this happen, though, we need your help. It’s not enough for the occasional blood sacrifice to the dryads (Cutaway to a jogger stepping on an Osage orange branch, falling, and pulling a four-centimeter spine out of the bottom of his shoe), or the occasional crashed cycle or devoured dog-walker to keep the kelpies fed. If we want to keep North Texas fae going, we’re going to have to build more habitat. A LOT more habitat. We need razed strip mall slabs and road concrete piles and blocked-off bike lanes. We need more crossing lights that go red within seconds, sidewalks with obstacles unable to be seen in the dark, and a massive effort to remove and replace shoulders and sidewalks with routes that go nowhere, I mean, through prime habitat. The fae are dependent upon us, so can I count on you to give to keep them happy and healthy?”

(The screen flashes bright blue, reading “Michaels LLC Fae Rewilding,” with a URL, Venmo account, and QR code. The Venmo account is closed, and the URL and QR code lead to a generative AI porn site. Michaels died shortly after the video was shot, attacked by a griffin shortly after being diagnosed with boggan-induced rectal cancer. The construction and maintenance instigated by Michaels and financed by the cities of Richardson and Plano are still unfinished.)

Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.

botanofae Brandon Michaels fae kelpies North Texas Plano Richardson serial entrepreneur St. Remedius