Mandatory Parker: “The Master Has An Entourage”

The 10-Kilo Lint-Covered Breast Implant Has Acolytes and Competitors For His Throne

January is always rough on Parker. Darkness by mid-afternoon, long dull nights when the resident monkeys go to sleep, buildups of static electricity that turn him into a TIG welder with a tail, dustings with feathers he isn’t allowed to chew on and vacuuming that annoys the hell out of him…combine that with a massive housecleaning and reorganization started in November that’s finally in its last stages, and he’s grumpier than usual. Even under the best of circumstances, Parker looks at January with disdain, and this week’s three-day ice and snow storm got on his last nerve. We humans had absolutely no interest in going outside in subfreezing temperatures and surfaces where the vertical ones are slightly less slippery than the horizontal ones, and the cat looked out upon the white vistas with the same expression as the humans: existential disgust. Even when outside temperatures rose to slightly above freezing, the harnessed walks outside ended just minutes after they started, with Parker hissing with anger at every step because every step hurts his feet. What further indignities would he have to endure before the Texas heat returned and all was right with his world? What indeed?

Would you believe “thematic siblings”?

Backstory: at the beginning of the month, when I learned about the death of old and dear friend Rod Woodruff, Rod’s wife called with information on the funeral and two requests. The first was that I be an usher at the funeral, which there was absolutely no way I’d decline. The second was that I help out with a pet situation. Because Rod and Kirsten were actively involved with rescuing and adopting dogs and cats, they had an impressive pack of both, but Kirsten knew she wouldn’t have time with them to care for two of Rod’s additional wards as well. That was how, at Rod’s wake and just before the greater Dallas area was whomped with the first big snow/ice storm of the year, Sarah, Tora Olafsdottir to my Guy Gardner, and I found ourselves adopting two new compatriots and competitors to Parker’s charms.

For first introductions, Rod always had an appreciation of snakes. When we were causing our worst trouble in the late 1980s, Rod had a positively glowing corn snake that he named “Basil” after the boa constrictor in the movie adaptation of A Clockwork Orange. (Years later, he was thrilled to meet Malcolm McDowell for the first time, partly because he had so perfected his looking at people and intoning “Where’s Basil? Where’s…my…snake?”) Naturally, this fascination continued, with Rod growing a grand fascination with Kenyan sand boas. Likewise, Sarah was initially skeptical of a reptile compatriot, but when she checked sand boa images and discovered that most are bright orange, that appealed to her more than about any other reptile color. (Sarah is famously preferential to warm orange tones in her clothes, art, and baked goods, the last two of which I am very glad to supply her.) That, Your Honor, is how we came to house Kala.

I’m still not sure about the etymology of “Kala” and whether it refers to the god of death, Tarzan’s adoptive gorilla mother, or the general from the 1980 Flash Gordon movie, because all three are possible when it came to Rod. Out of respect for him, she won’t get a renaming, although there are plenty of ophidian references out there that would fit. Right now, she’s still getting used to being transported and relocated, but the idea is to get her as handling-friendly as she allows: Sarah hasn’t quite gotten to the level of touching a snake, even as she loves Kala’s colors and patterns, but short of a corn snake, I can’t think of a better starter snake for the herp-cautious. Will this happen? That’s a good question.

As for Parker’s reaction, his attitude about snakes in general is one of nonchalance. Encountering indigenous Dallas species during his daily walks, he might chase them, but he never had any interest in anything other than chasing, and they were exceedingly easy to rescue from his enthusiastic attentions. Indoors, Kala sits on a windowsill inside a locked and secured enclosure, spending most of her days buried in sandy substrate, so there”s nothing most days to attract his interest. When Kala first came home, he spent about five minutes intently sniffing her enclosure while I prepared its new location. After that, no interest whatsoever, although that might change when I start feeding her after she’s sufficiently acclimated.

The other adoptee, though, has all of Parker’s attention. The summer after I rescued him, Parker adopted a toad living in the back yard, regularly standing over the toad as it hopped through the yard and yelling and growling at me if I got too close. Parker had absolutely no interest in the toad as food or as a toy: this was HIS toad, and he was going to protect it from all threats foreign and domestic. He spent most of the winter of 2023 frantically searching for the now-missing toad, not quite understanding concepts such as hibernation, and he mourned for months when temperatures rose and the toad didn’t return. He had no similar protective interests for other toads he’s encountered since then, but now he has a new ward and charge to defend unto his dying breath.

Again, I don’t know all of the particulars on the hermit crab in Rod’s care, but it’s definitely active and curious, enthusiastically eating, drinking, and exploring the interior of his enclosure. In fact, shortly after getting him (I’m making a major presumption that this crab is male), the crab demonstrated his determination to map his environs by getting out of his original enclosure and attempting to patrol. While Parker had absolutely no interest in Kala, he immediately perked up upon watching the crab galumph across the carpet, rushed over, grabbed the crab with a paw, and pulled him over to Parker’s side, grumbling and yelling at me when I tried to get the crab back. Upon the crab’s enclosure being established in its new location next to my writing desk, Parker regularly climbs over me to get to the enclosure, where he trills and purrs whenever he sees the crab inside. The crab, in turn, has no fear of the cat, and not just because he can pull into his shell at any time. They regularly just stare at each other, as if they knew each other years ago and want to get caught up on current events.

Upon receiving him, the crab had no name, but one immediately presented itself when Parker started his trilling. A silent partner protected by his loquacious superior, perambulating through life with abandon…yeah, the hermit crab is now “Brett.”

As for the further adventures of Parker, Brett, and Kala, we’re all waiting for the return of more amenable weather, which won’t be happening for at least the next week. Parker camps out atop a mountain of blankets atop the couch in our TV room, grumbling until he gets his favorite TV shows, or sprawled on the futon in the recently reorganized living room. Kala remains buried in sand unless she wants a drink of water, and I’m using the weather as an opportunity to let her brumate in preparation for her returning activity and appetite. Brett spends most of his time sitting in his food bowl, apparently thoroughly enjoying the “hermit crab superfood” I purchased the day I brought him home, and I suspect he’s preparing to molt and move to a new shell in the next couple of weeks. By mid-April, though, there should be a lot more pictures, a lot more stories, and possibly some new shirt designs in the St. Remedius Shop. And so it goes.

Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.

Brett Kala Mandatory Parker Rod Woodruff