St. Remedius Medical College: “What Lurks Beneath the Bluebonnets”

(Who was St. Remedius? And why is a medical college named after him?)

Lupinus texensis. Bluebonnet. The Texas state flower. After the last chance of freeze throughout the state, usually around the middle of March, millions of bluebonnets sprout in otherwise barren or at least nutrient-depleted locales, bloom, drop seeds, and then die, all before the middle of spring. Most humans in the Dallas area look at bluebonnet patches as scenic locales for family photos; the Denisovians look at them as one month of horrendous allergens, and the Harkun contingent in Dallas look at them as a much-needed fresh source of vitamins and fiber until prickly pear season at the end of summer. For innumerable organisms both natural and fae, bluebonnets are an essential food, home, and bait, for as long as they last. From ants to Owlriders, bluebonnets are a vital part of the ecosystem, and that ecosystem naturally includes predators.

On a level with prairie squid and drop bears are the tales of rattlesnakes colored to use bluebonnet patches as camoflage, which only the most credulous and ignorant take seriously. Not only does this downplay the number of actual venomous mimics, such as the three species of coral snake in the New Orleans area evolved to resemble Mardi Gras beads (the legend of picking beads off the ground being unlucky having a very legitimate origin), but paranoid humans stomping through bluebonnet patches for fear of blue rattlesnakes often disturb the Texas bluebonnet boa (Gongylophis colubrinus woodruffum), an otherwise gentletempered but extremely large and strong constrictor that hides in bluebonnets to snag birds, coyotes, and the occasional peccary before aestivating through the summer heat. As the only snake in North America able to change its coloration and patterns at will, the bluebonnet boa can be found waiting for prey in a wide range of brightly colored habitats, up to and including Scottish music festivals. While not venomous, bluebonnet boas respond to being stomped, slapped, and smacked about as well as can be expected, and are best avoided for everyone’s benefit.

Bluebonnets act as a temporary home for a wide range of other organisms, starting with the collective organism known as the gravel pig, an assemblage of isopods that feed on dead and dying bluebonnet stems. Adult feathered snakes (Kukulkan mexicanum) are rare as far north as Dallas, but those that inhabit the area prefer making nests and laying their eggs in bluebonnet fields because of the bluebonnets’ tendency to concentrate trace elements and mana residues from the local soils. The fae known as dust bunnies (Lepus chuckjonesus sillylatinnameus) often manifest around bluebonnet patches to prank human photographers, including swiping equipment, photobombing the last photo of the evening, and dropping pyrite “eggs” in the vicinity. The most impressive bluebonnet denizen, though, is the road toad (Spea giganticus), a 30-kilogram amphibian that pulls patches of bluebonnet over itself, opens its mouth to show a tongue “lure” resembling a baby armadillo, and snags hawks, eagles, and roadrunners seeking an easy meal.

Sadly, because of industrial park and subdivision development and the introduction of the lawnmower, bluebonnet habitat is becoming increasingly fragmented, and the Texas bluebonnet boa in particular is in danger of becoming extinct throughout most of the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex. St. Remedius Medical College, at the time of its disappearance, was working on the issue, and some surviving records suggest that at least one recognized quantum pocket was filled with representatives of the biome in order to protect its ecological diversity. Unfortunately, the records did not include information on the pocket’s location or if and when it might open again.

Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.

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