Introducing the Steve Kosh Action Figure
(Backstory: Originally published in the long-dead online magazine Revolution Science Fiction in 2001, this one actually had a basis of truth, or at least speculative truthiness we now call “clickbait.” Either way, it’s a matter of time before someone makes a Larry Ellison Funko Pop.)
Cupertino, California – 2001 was an atrocious year for the entire computer industry, with sales of hardware, software, and peripherals slipping and falling throughout the world. In response, two of the most powerful IT companies in the world, Apple Computer of Cupertino and Microsoft of Redmond, Washington, made separate announcements today that they were going to move into a hithero new market: action figures.
“The tie-ins between computers and toys has been going on for years,” said Velvet Delorey, vice-president of Research and Development at Apple, “culminating with the recent interactive Barney stuffed toy developed by Microsoft. The Barney figure didn’t work, mostly because every child’s request for Barney to tell the child a story launched into a diatribe about how ‘Microsoft must be allowed to innovate, no matter how many souls are devoured in the process’, but they were onto something.”
The new Apple action figure, to be announced at the upcoming MacWorld Expo in New York, is part branding exercise, and part attempt to make children appreciate those in the computer industry. “Apple Management has always been fond of science fiction and fantasy TV shows and movies, and [Apple CEO] Steve Jobs is particularly fond of such shows as Babylon 5, so we talked to Babylonian Productions about a fusion”, said Delorey. The first such offering is the “Steve Kosh” figure: a 12-inch articulated environment suit containing a perfect likeness of Jobs inside. In addition, the environment suit contains a voice chip that contains some 150 of Jobs’ favorite sayings, particularly “If you go to Windows XP, you will die.” As Jobs himself said, “We here at Apple are already quite familiar with influencing the development of lesser species throughout the galaxy, and all we require of our charges is order and obedience. In a million years, humans will be just like us.”
Microsoft, in turn, announced its own line of figures shortly after the Apple announcement. Although actual production is tentatively scheduled for mid-2007, Microsoft reps promised that the new figures would contain features unique in the toy business, as soon as the company could prove that extrusion plastic molding was an intristic element of the Windows operating system. All of the line will use the new Windows TP OS, which promises unilateral connectivity between Microsoft toys, and will allow action figure users to connect to the Internet at any opportunity. (Rumors that the figures would also come with special software to allow office managers to spy on IT professionals, particularly programmers, so long as the toys are within 10 feet of a Windows-running computer could not be confirmed by press time.) The first, a likeness of Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, comes with a sensor-covered travel chair that can be programmed for specific motions or run via remote control, and it also comes with a series of Ballmer’s favorite quotations. Unfortunately, Ballmer’s favorite quotation is “LINUX USERS ARE EN-E-MIES OF MI-CRO-SOFT! THEY WILL BE EX-TER-MI-NA-TED!” This was to be followed by releases of the main villains in the series: the Permatemps, the State Governors, and the brilliant but seditious Doctor Linus Torvalds.
When asked about the new action figure lines, representatives of other noted tech companies expressed everything from surprise to rage. Typical was the response from Oracle, whose CEO Larry Ellison had expressed interest in having a special action figure made of his likeness as far back as 1995. “Larry in particular wanted an action figure in stores by 1996,” said a source that requested to remain anonymous, “but we found later that he wanted a figure that was a 1-30 scale copy of his ego. He was really pissed when we told him that there wasn’t enough plastic in the universe for that. He’s now settling for having his profile carved into the moon. It still won’t be big enough, but it’s a start.”
Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.
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