Personal Interlude: “Load Up and Out”

A Quick But Necessary Discussion About Bicycling In Dallas and Other Parts North Texas, Part 2

(Remember how, in the days of standard episodic television before streaming and binging, many dramas and some comedies would give a thumbnail update starting with “Previously on…”, flashing scenes so fast that people starting midway through a season or story were more confused than before? Well, that’s what this newsletter is like. Look at these as regular updates of how the sausage is made, with what, and whether or not the staff washed their hands after they used the toilet. Or, worse, if they only washed their hands before using the toilet.)

(For those coming in late, this is an ongoing installment on attempting to become a commuter cyclist in the Dallas area. If you want to get up to speed, please feel free to get caught up on Part 1. If you don’t, there’s all sorts of other stuff on this here Web site, so dig through the archives for a while. Nobody’s going anywhere right away.)

Get The Necessary Accessories

So you found your chosen bike, new or used, and you’re now planning your first serious trip. It could be to your day job, it could be to the grocery store, and it could be just up the road to a park where you can take in everything. Now if you haven’t built up accessories over the decades the way a longtimer like me has, you may spend as much money on the stuff for you as the stuff for your bike. The bad news is that these are costs you really can’t avoid if you’re serious about this. The good news is that if you select high-quality gear, you won’t have to buy replacements anywhere near as often as if you were only worried about cost. As the saying goes, cheap is expensive. At the same time, bike shops, equipment sites, and other venues are just loaded with all sorts of things that sound like a really good idea and look really cool, and are manufactured and promoted for people looking for shinies rather than gear that will take care of them. Another saying, this time from motorcyclists: Chrome won’t get you home.

The classic auto guide How To Keep Your Volkswagen Alive by John Muir, Tosh Gregg, and Peter Ashwanden has an extensive guide to tool kits for Volkswagen maintenance and upgrading, with one kit of essentials that you want to keep in your car because you WILL need it, one kit for more significant repairs that doesn’t need to be in the vehicle but needs to be accessible, and one kit that’s really only necessary for major operations such as engine overhauls and brake replacements but isn’t a bad idea to have. That’s how the following items run. The first set are things that you could, should, and must have before you start your first ride, because you’re going to regret not having them if something happens. The second set are items that you can choose to carry with you, but you might not use that often, but having them will save you lots of grief if you can’t get to or can’t afford to go to a bike repair shop. The sets include:

Essentials

These are the items for safety that you’d best have with you on that first ride if you want to keep your head unmushed, your hands unscraped, and your feet unworn. Get these before anything else, and if you’re not sure as to particular brands or styles, ask friends who bicycle for their recommendations. Also, unless you know for a fact that they were purchased recently and unused or used for only a week or so, these are items much better purchased new than used: you do NOT want a helmet that Some Guy On Facebook Marketplace says was “brand new” but had been stored in an unheated and uncooled garage long enough that it falls apart the first time it’s supposed to keep your brain in your skull and not all over the hood of an SUV.

• Helmet – Do NOT skimp on this. Get a helmet that actually fits your head, that can be adjusted to keep it on your head, and doesn’t obstruct your vision or your hearing. (There’s a reason besides weight why bicycle helmets don’t cover your head all the way like motorcycle helmets, mostly so you can hear horns, engines, loose and stray dogs, and the occasional psychopath.) This is a purchase best done at a reputable bike shop rather than online, especially with the problems with Amazon and other resellers not knowing and/or not caring about bootlegs of famed brands being sold as the real thing. Don’t decide to “test” it by hitting, bashing, or bouncing it beforehand, because then it’ll likely fail when it encounters something that may do horrible things to your unprotected skull.
  (True story: my youngest brother spent three weeks in a coma after a dolt decided to make a right turn from a lefthand turn lane right in front of him, and the driver then was caught by multiple witnesses trying to drag his body to a new position to make police think the accident was his fault. The only reason he lived was because his helmet was buried in the side of the car from the impact: as it was, his initial odds of surviving were about 10 percent and less than 5 that he would ever wake up, and he woke up just before he was to be fitted with a tracheotomy tube. Don’t skimp on helmets: after his accident, I’d sooner ride without pants than ride without a helmet.)
• Gloves – If you fall off your bike, and you will eventually fall off your bike, either from hitting a bump and losing control or attempting to get off and losing balance, a good pair of bike gloves are going to make the difference between your hands being slightly bruised but otherwise intact and your hands being full of chunks of gravel, broken glass, and bits of metal. Again, these are something best purchased at a reputable bike shop, because you’re going to want to try them on. Never mind the officially listed sizes and never mind what size you wore when you were a teenager: go with gloves that fit your hands as of right now. Most are displayed attached to a card so they can be hung up on a rack, but you’ll still be able to try them one one hand at a time. Get a pair where you can make a fist without anything binding, where you don’t have anything scratchy or poky on the inside or the outside (pantomime wiping sweat out of your eyes to check on this, because you’re better off knowing this now rather than discovering that some extra stitch or unremoved piece of packaging is leaving ugly welts across your face every time you rub your eyes), and where you can spread your fingers as far as they can go. Many have little terrycloth pads on the thumbs to catch sweat from your eyes and face: I personally recommend these from long experience. Many have exotic materials in the palm pads promising additional protection: in my own experience, those tend to break down, leak, or otherwise fail at the worst possible times, so they’re completely up to you.
• Front and Real Lights – For a very long time, bike lights were, to be honest, jokes. Either they burned through batteries in a single trip, or they were horribly underpowered, or both. The idea of front lights is both to let oncoming traffic, motor and pedestrian, know you’re coming and to give you advance warning as to objects, people, road and sidewalk failures, and occasional critters in your path. (True story: I was once nearly knocked off my bike by an armadillo I didn’t see until I was right on it, and it responded by jumping up and hitting the underside of my frame before running off.) The idea of rear lights is to give vehicles and fellow cyclists warning that they’re about to ride up your butt at any moment, so they know to pass, stop, or evade.
  Thanks to the number of idiots on the road, both motorized and self-propelled, who cannot put down their phones while moving (True story: I’ve had several near-misses with bicyclists determined to watch videos while riding, and I once had the experience of watching the same SMU brat on the same bike run into the same telephone pole on two separate Saturdays because she was too busy on her phone to pay attention to where she was going…and then looked around after each crash to blame everyone in the vicinity for letting the crash happen), there’s a reason why fire trucks and ambulances in the Dallas area have additional green and blue lights flashing, and it’s to get drivers off their phones and moving out of the way. You don’t need big bright flashing strobes to annoy drivers and pedestrians (again, this is Dallas, not Portland), but if you’re going to be riding anywhere near dawn or dusk, get ones strong enough that people will see you. (Fun fact: most bike lights these days have lithium batteries with USB charging, so if you’re riding to and from work, set up a spot in your work area where you can charge them during the workday. You’d rather have them go out after you get home in the dark than, say, halfway there.)
• Additional Reflectors – Again, consider the idiots on the road who think that texting while driving is a perfectly acceptable hobby. Also consider that even if you don’t need to be on a road for any duration of your trek, you’ll eventually come across driveways or crossings where you’ll want to let people know you’re in the middle before they turn in. You don’t need to wrap yourself in mylar for every trip, but reflective strips on your helmet, front and back, on the rear and sides of your bike frame, and additional reflectors in your bike spokes are a cost-effective way to signal your position and sometimes your intent.
• Tire Repair Kit – No matter what you do and no matter where you bike, you’re eventually going to run into something that punctures one or both of your tires and lets all of the air out. It could be improperly swept debris from a collision, it could be broken glass, it could be tree thorns, and it could be from the painting crew who use traffic light stops to sweep out drywall screws and roofing nails out of the back of their pickup truck and out onto the street behind them. (True story: I actively avoid one stretch of bike trail in Plano because of Osage orange trees (Maclura pomifera) along the trail. More specifically, I avoid it because of a character also using the trail who takes issue to the long and strong thorns on their branches, especially with suckers growing off the roots or trunk, clips off branches potentially overhanging the trail, and drops the cuttings directly in the path for others to ride or walk over. I call it “John Galt gardening.”)
  No matter how great the various additives and sealers in your tires, you WILL encounter something that leaves a large enough hole to let all the air out. This means that unless you have tubeless tires, you’ll need a means to separate the tire from the wheel rim, a means to seal the hole or replace the whole tube, and a means to inflate it when you reassemble tire and rim. You may choose to carry a hand pump, sealed carbon dioxide cartridges that refill the tube to the preferred pressure, or be happy to walk your bike to the air pump at your neighborhood gas station…if the station air pump is working and has a working valve. I personally have a repair kit consisting of a set of nylon tire levers to get the tire off the rim, both a tube patch kit and two spare tubes in case the damage is more extensive (Handy Tip: never keep a patching kit for more than a year because the adhesives tend to fail after a year or so, and I very highly recommend getting a new one after the beginning of the new year just to make it a habit), and carbon dioxide cartridges and an adaptor valve for multiple types of tube valves. This way, I’m never down for more than about 10 to 15 minutes, and if I really want to repair a blown tube, I can patch it at my leisure.
  (Handy Tip: learn what type of tube valves you have and the diameter of your tires. Most tubes have either Presta valves or Schrader valves: Schrader valves are flat-ended and squat, like car tire valves, while Prestas are thinner with a little metal finger-screw to tighten the valve after inflation. They are NOT interchangeable, and Prestas usually have a little round bolt at the bottom to lock the base of the valve to the wheel. This knowledge comes in very handy when choosing both replacement tubes and inflation methods. Knowing the diameter is just as important if you use inflation cartridges: buy the wrong size cartridge and either your ride will be miserable because your tire is underinflated, or you get the singular experience of a tube rupturing mid-inflation. While you’re at it, learn the recommended tire pressure for your tires and memorize it, because it WILL be on the test.)
• Bike Lock – If you’re incredibly lucky, you will never get a bicycle stolen or damaged in a theft attempt. The temptation is strong if your bike has no means of securing it: if your bike is expensive, there will always be someone out there wanting to add it to their Facebook Marketplace list, and if your bike isn’t, there will always be someone who tosses it into the back of a truck and sells it for scrap. No bike lock will ever stop someone really determined to get your bike, but the idea is to make a thief have to work for it, and locking up your bike in a public locale minimizes the chances that someone will have the time or inclination to put in the work. Not every lock is perfect: some expensive locks are famous for being broken or picked in moments, and cheap locks also stick and break at the worst possible opportunities. I myself have two locks for my bike: a thick chain to secure the frame to metal posts and a long thick cable to wrap through the front and rear wheels and keep them from being separated. They aren’t absolute, but they make potential thieves think “Is this worth the effort?”, and that’s the real deterrent.
• Lubricant – One thing nobody tells you when you start commuter cycling in Dallas is how dusty Dallas is. Dusty, dusty, dusty. So dusty, dirty, grimy that in the middle of summer, it’s best to walk without rhythm so as not to attract sandworms. Most oils and greases are great at picking up dust, sand, dirt, and other detritus and keeping them in close contact with your bicycle chain. Casual riders usually end up replacing their bike chains every few decades or so, but we commuters can expect chains to wear out every couple of years, depending upon how far we ride and under what conditions. Your mileage may vary, literally, upon your choice of chain lubricants (I personally swear by White Lightning Clean Ride ahd have done so for 20 years), but not only will your ride be so much smoother and less strenuous if you relube your chain every week or so, but you’ll be less likely to have your chain break from severe wear at the worst possible time (in the middle of a rainstorm, for instance) and have to hoof it to the nearest repair shop. I say this from experience.
  (Fun Facts Instilled Upon Me By Reputable Bike Shop Managers: clean your bike regularly, but in the name of Tsathoggua, Xiombarg, GG Allin, and Some Guy, do NOT take your bike to a self-service car wash and scrub your bike down. The high-pressure spray wands just blast right past gaskets in bike wheels and crankshafts and fill both full of water, guaranteeing that they’ll rust out and fail sooner. Likewise, while WD-40 is a miracle solvent for unseizing seized metal parts, it is NOT a lubricant, no matter how many people want to tell you otherwise. If you want your bicycle chain to last for more than six months, clean it properly without WD-40, and never let WD-40 near your chain unless it’s completely rusted solid and you’re prepped to clean and relube your chain immediately afterwards.)
• Pack or Saddlebags – Many cycling experts oppose backpacks for riding and argue that all cargo weight should rest in saddlebags attached to the frame. I’m personally in favor of backpacks, mostly because if you need to get off your bike, they’re easier to haul around than saddlebags. It’s your personal choice, but you will eventually need something to store and transport your repair gear, your work gear, your work clothes (including shoes), and only the stuff you need. Whatever you get, get something that’s going to be water-resistant or at least easy to cover with a poncho or bag during sudden rains (for decades, I used a Vietnam-era US Army ALICE pack for hauling home groceries because it was ridiculously water-resistant), and check it regularly for rips, tears, worn seams, and fraying straps.

Not Necessary But A Really Good Idea

Next up, it’s time to discuss the items that won’t ground you if you don’t have them on you at right that second, but you’ll wonder how you got by without it after the first week. These include:

• Rear-View Mirrors – Whether you get one that affixes to your helmet or to your handlebars, rear-view mirrors are a literal lifesaver. They’re handy for tracking drivers and other cyclists when you want to switch lanes, tracking that thunderstorm on your 6 that may or may not overtake you before you get home, and especially for getting advance warning of an idiot in a Lexus (but I repeat myself) and gauging precisely when the reversed “‘L’ Is For ‘Loser'” is close enough that you want to get off the sidewalk and let them pass. I honestly prefer helmet-mounted mirrors because they’re less likely to be lost or messed with when you aren’t with your bike, and I’ve used Tiger Eye mirrors for a solid quarter-century without complaints. I’ve lost a couple, particularly when an aforementioned idiot in a Lexus blasted through a driveway into traffic without looking and I almost went under the wheels, and I’ve had to replace a few that became so old and battered that the silvering on the mirror started corroding off, but I’ve never regretted having one on my helmet.
• Sunscreen – This is Dallas. The big yellow hurty thing in the sky is doing its utmost to kill you, either with immediate immolation (as recreated in the best documentary about being goth in a Dallas summer ever made) or by slow radiation poisoning. Even if you think you’re only going to travel at night (I cast no aspersions: if I’m not back in my coffin by sunrise, I turn back into a pumpkin), carry a bottle of the strongest sunscreen you can get, and use it early and often. Don’t mess around with this, either: it’s getting depressing as to the number of bike enthusiasts I knew in the 1980s who either died of cancer or had really bad melanoma scares, and lots of sunscreen means that you’re not bathing in the blood of virgins to keep eternal youth.
• Sleeves – Sunscreen isn’t eternal, and it tends to flow, very slowly, off your arms as you’re exerting yourself. One of the best ideas from gardening and golf circles to move over to cycling is the concept of protective sleeves: they allow sweat to pass through and keep up a cooling effect, and they offer just a little more protection from the sun than just sunscreen alone. Best of all, they come in all sorts of colors and styles, so feel free to go wild: many cyclists choose bright neon colors for the same reason arrow poison frogs and coral snakes do.
• Good shoes – This may tick off a few people, but traditional bicycle attire (the Lycra shorts in particular) make sense for racers, where the bikes have been shaved down to the absolute minimum weight necessary and the next trick is to make the rider as aerodynamically efficient as possible. You, my friends, you’re going to be on Dallas streets, where the combination of drivers and road conditions are as close to “post-apocalyptic” as you can get. (That said, as tempting as it is, don’t go for the “buttless chaps and Mohawks” look, either: don’t ask me how I know that leather, studs, and bicycling don’t go together that well.) Most of the shoes sold for cycling are intended to lock into the pedals and allow more force applied on the up-stroke of a pedal as the down-stroke. Locking your shoes into those pedals, or going with toeclips for that matter, just means that when you hit something and have the chance of losing control of your bike, you can’t get your feet underneath you and possibly swerve or bounce out of a potentially dangerous crash. Again, your personal mileage may vary, but a good durable set of tennis or hiking shoes work just as well and will save you a lot of trouble.
• Towel – Nothing special, but a good basic towel to wipe off sweat, dirt, blood, oil, and sunscreen when you stop for a break or you get to your destination is awfully handy. In fact, get a set of them, so you can rotate through them over the workweek. By mid-June, you’ll learn that your Saturday afternoon clothes washing is less about removing dirt and more about debrining (on especially hot and dry days, you can get crusted salt between your shoulderblades like Godzilla fins after even a moderate ride), so wash those towels often unless you and your coworkers like the stench of fermented armpit sweat.
• Bike Pump – I’m sincerely hoping that you’re carrying at least one form of tire inflation with you at all times, but having a spare pump at home and/or work is a good idea for topping up pressure through the week, especially when the temperatures get up there. Make sure you get a pump with a valve that will work on your bike’s tube valve style, and preferably one with a gauge to show air pressure: you THINK you can gauge your tire pressure by squeezing it, and your sense of touch will lie to you about exactly how much air is really inside. The steadier the pressure toward the recommended pressure for your tires, the longer the tires will last and the better and the less unnecessarily strenuous the ride will be.
• Tire Replacements – After a few weeks of riding, you’ll discover how well your bike’s tires suit the trip. Big knobby tires are great for mountain bikes where you’ll have to ride through mud, sand, and the ashes of your enemies, but those knobs wear out fast, transfer a lot of vibration into your elbows and knees, and don’t give as much traction on wet or otherwise slick roads. Likewise, slick racing tires mean that when you hit patches of mud on paths and roads after a rain (for those not in Dallas, our main soil type is clay, to the point where bike paths are slowly taken over by silt washed off medians and yards that’s as slick and fine as porcelain slip), the tires just expedite the bike going underneath you as you’re crashing. What medium you choose is your call, but an increasing number of bicycle tire manufacturers make tires with knobs on the sides and smooth treads in the center to get the best of both worlds. I’d also very highly recommend tires with additional augmentation such as Kevlar to protect against punctures: they’re more expensive, but the next time that jerk with the pickup thinks that dumping spare roofing nails on the road is funny, you stand a better chance of not using one of the spare tubes you have socked away.
• Fenders – A little secret about bike tires is that at a nominal speed, water and mud stick to the wheel before being flung free by centrifugal force, and they usually tend to get flung free so they splash all over your back and butt. Ride through a mud patch, and people will make jokes. Not to kinkshame, but you don’t want jokes, especially if you don’t have a separate change of clothes waiting for you at your destination. Way back in the olden days of the Twentieth Century, many bikes came with fenders for both front and rear wheels to keep splash and spray to a minimum, but one of the big draws of ten-speeds in the 1970s was a minimum of weight, so bike fenders eventually became as popular as UnCandles. A standard bike off the rack rarely has fenders, but a lot of manufacturers offer solutions, and I have a detachable fender that clips onto the bike seat stem.
  (Fun fact: if you get so into bike commuting that you bike through snow or slush, that fender may not be enough. Several times at one job, I had no choice but to bike to work after an extreme-for-Dallas snowfall, and that’s when I discovered that slush detaches from a bike tire at the point where it bypasses the fender, and I got to work with my entire pack and butt covered with rapidly-freezing slush. It’s never a good look when the CEO looks at you coming in, notices the ten kilos of slush you just sloughed off, and asks “What the hell is wrong with you?”)

Now, to get away from acquisition and directly into commuter biking theory, stay tuned for Part 3, coming very soon. You’ll want to check back, if only to hear more about “butt calluses” and why a lack of one is the biggest reason why most beginning cyclists never continue. You’ll want to be here for this.

Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.

bicycling Personal interlude