St. Remedius Medical College: “Songs From The Jeffty Gene”

When Premature Enlightenment Is In The Strangest Places

(Who was St. Remedius? And why is a medical college named after him?)

While the multiple layers of ciphers on the entire universe were well-known and sometimes understood by those with an interest in these matters, only surprisingly did that study lead to actual crime. The further surprise was the source: a series of burglaries of individual homes, record shops, and thrift stores through the greater Dallas area. All were reasonably professional, with minimal damage to property. All were thorough, with only specific items cleared out and items worth considerably more left untouched. All were confusing, as the thrift stores in particular had no information on what specifically was taken and why. However, for a spate of three weeks, physical copies and related byproducts of certain movies disappeared without trace or motive. All of these were copies of films from the mid-1980s or other items related to those movies: VHS and Betamax tapes, DVDs, some Sony microcassettes, a few laserdiscs, Viewfinder discs, and even a Fotonovel. The thefts were not limited to commercially available copies, either: among the pilfered items included personally recorded videocassettes, several privately recorded soundtrack audio cassettes, and even a hard drive full of video clips of TV ads from that time. The original theory, popular with the police, that the thefts involved a hoax comparable to the Disney Black Diamond VHS urban legend, and the reality shared a core truth. However, the reality also veered into a completely unexpected direction.

In the years since the burglaries, some details have leaked, both from Dallas police and from hints in the archives left by St. Remedius Medical College, that point to one or more instigators. A few were identified as suspects and interrogated: one had close connections to several Jeffty Gene carriers known to engage with increasingly rare pieces of 1980s effluvia. More confusing was the selection of media stolen: everything was associated with an accumulation of films released between 1981 and 1986, particularly The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, Blade Runner, The Neverending Story, Labyrinth, and that free space in every fiftysomething hipster’s bingo card, The Goonies. All of which were known as films that broke even or bombed in theatrical release but found their audiences via videotape and cable, beloved by latchkey kids raised on 26-inch Zeniths and occasional outdoor hose water to hear them tell it. Ten times as many copies of the DVD of The Goonies existed, in and out of desert landfills, than the individuals who saw it in its theatrical run, so why were the copies stolen so important?

At that point, the police reports go dry and all that remains are the hints from St. Remedius. Apparently the College received inquiries about scans of media for hidden information, both in the data impressed in the media and the actual physical media themselves. The scans would have included investigations to check for extranormal sources, including standard thaumaturgical and psionic influences as well as at least ten different obscure and obtuse disciplines, including predictive astrology and endocrine chakra resonance. One otherwise unremarkable paper suggested an algorithm for quantum examination for a large accumulation of video in search of a specific image, and another looked at methodology for thaumaturgic enhancement of low-resolution video imagery. A third paper, apparently unpublished but still stored in the St. Remedius archives for some reason, investigated so-called “purple images,” imagery designed specifically as cues for previously implanted learning or indoctrination, as well as methods to bypass and neutralize those images when encountered. Tied to the last paper were several international patents connected to the 3-D film fad of the early 1980s, with a possibility that the technology covered in the patents was still used for films, television, and video after the fad had passed.

As with so many events and activities directly or peripherally connected to St. Remedius, the ultimate goal of the burglaries, the individuals receiving the purloined videos, and whether the fruits of those burglaries held esoteric information, remain mysteries. This, of course, does not stop the more conspiracy-minded from assigning greater meaning to a nostalgia fix, including its possible connections to another video conundrum.

Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.

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