Baking Through the Apocalypse: “Harkun Pepper Roulette”

How Diplomacy Between Humanity and Cretaceous Saurians Involved Exactly The Right Challenge

(Who was St. Remedius? And why is a medical college named after him?)

A major point to be considered in any discussion of the Harkun and their presence in the greater Dallas, Texas area is that no other nonhuman demographic has the same relationship with the majority modern-human population. The residents of the Denisovian Embassy, aside from football games, tend to remain to themselves but also don’t spurn contact from outsiders. Examples from at least twenty species from outside our planetary system and six from timescapes before and after the present day make Dallas and its suburbs home, with varying levels of assimilation with the general population. (The Larkash contingent declaring temporal asylum in the Richardson area are noted for their emphasis on recreating a little corner of their lost civilization, while the Hesh Naz so thoroughly absorbed Dallas culture that nobody notices five-meter terrestrial radiodonts in cowboy hats and boots at the State Fair of Texas any more.) The 2261 survivors of the original 1987 Harkun quantum pocket invasion and the thousands of hatchlings born since then, though, always treated their presence in Dallas and Earth in general as a temporary minimization of hostilities. The Harkun never surrendered, will never surrender, and just bide their time until the ape primitives ranging across the planet take themselves out, preferably on Harkun recommendations of the most effective method with the least damage to available resources. Their actual surrender treaty instigated with the efforts of St. Remedius Medical College they treated as absolute law: if the monkeys surrounding them suddenly died out due to their own actions, well, that was their decision.

With access to relatively cheap and effective time travel, most would ask why the Harkun Contingent remain in the 21st Century Gregorian rather than return to their spatial and temporal origin point. All one needs to do is watch a Harkun shopping trip at a local grocery store to understand why. Descended from psittacosaurian dinosaurs, the Harkun were obligate herbivores, having developed their civilization shortly after the initial expansion of angiosperm plants. Almost all of the plants currently inhabiting human cuisines evolved millions of years after Harkun civilization collapsed, and most after the extinction of the dinosaurs in general. Apples, onions, durians, pineapple, corn on the cob, wheat, vanilla orchids, green beans, tomatoes, cashews, soybeans, redbud blossoms, daylilies, cattails, bok choy, garlic, rhubarb, lemons, rice, kumara…the fields and orchards of 21st Century Earth offered a bounty of gustatory delights against which the Albian Epoch simply had no parallel. Even the sole remaining species of Ginkgo surviving the genus’s great extinction event in the Miocene provided a better base for perinool than the multiple species from their original time.

However, it was the mighty genus Capsicum that sealed the determination for the Harkun to stay in Dallas and at least pretend to cooperate with the other peoples of the area. Much like their homologue and distant relations the parrots, Harkun tongues had little in the way of taste buds and the wrong type of nerve receptors for capsaicin, so a typical Harkun could eat kilos of the hottest (by human scales) peppers on the planet and suffer no ill effects. Even better, various compounds that pepper plants shared with their nightshade family relations, but in amounts not likely to affect humans, gave Harkun diners a slow and slightly hallucinogenic glow. Harkun in individual and in groups could be borderline intolerable when sober, but they mellowed out and even became approachable after a double handful of Scotch Bonnets or Dorset Nagas. And when individual Harkun discovered the various dishes that could be made with those peppers, they knew that the only way they could return to their original time would be if they could bring peppers with them, and the paradox of introducing hot peppers 100 million years before they evolved was one that could split the continuum asunder. Hence, the Harkun held off on their hostilities, but only if negotiations and diplomatic niceties came with salsa. For jalapenos both cooked and raw, for both potency and mouth-feel, Harkun would consider just about anything.

Before long, the fascination with peppers turned into a uniquely Harkun diplomatic necessity. Anyone of any species wishing to work with Harkun eventually faced the new tradition of Ka-ka-Rah, named “Harkun Pepper Roulette” by local humans. Whether it was international diplomats wishing to conduct trade negotiations with Harkun mercenaries or building contractors wanting to hang new drywall in a Harkun office, no matter how personally fond that Harkun became of a particular human (and for most Harkun, “fond” was a synonym for “not lashing the person with razor wire for an hour”), eventually The Tray came out. On it was a selection of jalapeno peppers stuffed with a wide selection of delicacies, but with one declared “The Live Round.” This combined a combination of the hottest fresh peppers currently available and mango, mango being one of the few contemporary fruits Harkun could not digest nor stomach. The guests went first, each selecting a jalapeno and eating it in front of the group, and then every Harkun in the group selected one. The effects of picking the Live Round kicked in within a minute, but particularly adventurous participants could attempt to fend off the end results for as long as they could before reaching for water or bread (the Harkun looked at garlic naan as a particular consolation prize from their murdered gods for being stuck in their current time) and conceding. Many Harkun looked at human chileheads as “honorary Harkun” if they could eat multiple Live Rounds with grace and aplomb, especially since mango was one of the only vegetable foods that could make a Harkun involuntarily vomit. Many was the cross-species cooperation sealed with a platter of stuffed jalapenos filled with pineapple, peanut butter, saffron rice, baking apple, or potato (which also had a slightly euphoric effect on the Harkun physiology) when the human selecting the Live Round powered through the pain without stuttering, wheezing, or passing out.

The real challenge with Ka-ka-Rah, though, involved trust. As mentioned before, the Harkun were obligate herbivores: any significant amount of meat in their diet made them violently ill. The Nightmare Mode involved labeling all but the Live Rounds and including meat-stuffed peppers on the tray. Humans started first, specifically picking a pepper and offering it to the nearest Harkun and then taking one themselves. Offering a Harkun a meat-stuffed pepper was a grave insult, and either species knowingly offering the other a Live Round an even worse one. The challenge was to give one’s counterpart jalapenos they could digest, while narrowing down the selection to the Live Round if the parties could identify it. Identifying, selecting, and eating the Live Round in an early stage was impressive: selecting and eating the Live Round when it was one of the last peppers remaining and eating it before the other side had no choice was the closest to beatific the Harkun ever became. Several times in the joint history of humans and Harkun, Nightmare Mode Ka-ka-Rah was what made the difference between Harkun indifference and near-fanatic dedication in joint combat operations, and was a major factor in the Harkun’s involvement with the final seconds of the Quantum War, especially since St. Remedius dean Colonel Duncan McCarry had an esophagus and stomach made of pure osmium when it came to chile peppers. Even after the Quantum War was over, the ceremony over Ka-ka-Rah kept the peace between both species for centuries, even as both sides bred and propagated ever more intense peppers to keep the competition alive.

Recipe – Harkun Pepper Roulette

If you’re in the mood for jalapeno poppers, please don’t limit yourself to these recipes. In fact, I very highly recommend many of the recipes created by Michael Hultquist of Chile Pepper Madness. That said, for a proper game of Harkun Pepper Roulette, these are good recipes with which to start:

24 large jalapenos

Meat Poppers
1 pound (0.45kg) ground turkey
2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese
2 cups diced or minced onion (red or white)
Additional spices (your choice)
16 slices bacon

Meat-Free Poppers
2 avocados
2 cups shredded vegan mozzarella
2 cups diced or minced onion (red or white)
Additional spices (your choice)
16 slices plant-based bacon

Live Rounds
4 ripe habaneros (replace with Dorset Nagas, Scotch Bonnets, Bhut Jolokias, or Carolina Reapers if you feel really adventurous)
1 standard mango or 2 honey mangoes
1 slice bacon
1 slice plant-based bacon

Support Gear
Pepper Roasting Rack
Jalapeno Corer
Pastry bags with a wide tip
24 toothpicks
Vinyl or latex gloves

How you want to prepare your peppers depends upon you, but I very highly recommend a pepper roasting rack. I’ve used this 24-count rack for four years in a wide range of cooking conditions, and it does a great job of keeping peppers upright so grease drains off and the stuffing doesn’t seep out while cooking. Best of all, this can be used in ovens, grilles, smokers, and (atop a pan or griddle) even in campfires. Use whatever variety you want (there’s even a selection of Texas-shaped racks if that turns you on), but unless you have an industrial-sized oven or large grille, go for a rack that makes 24 peppers or less just for ease in moving in and out. (When cooking for vegetarian or vegan friends, give them some respect by either cooking meat-free items first on the cleaned rack or by using two separate racks to avoid contamination. For the purposes of this recipe, all 24 will be cooked on one rack at the same time, but take the separate racks into consideration.)

First, put on vinyl or latex gloves and wash and trim the jalapenos.

Incidentally, this is why I recommend the popper roasting rack: among many other things, it keeps your jalapenos from rolling off and hitting the floor while you’re prepping them.

Next, core your peppers. You can choose to do this however you want, but the handy jalapeno coring tool above will save hours of tedious cleaning time. The serrations along the blade scrape out the pepper insides, while the three notches inside the whorl hold the contents until you can dump it into the trash or compost bin. Best of all, it does an excellent job of catching the majority of the jalapeno seeds inside: a few may remain, but they’re easily shaken out.

To use the corer, insert the tip into the core and turn it counter-clockwise. Take care not to punch through the sides or the bottom of the pepper: with a little practice, you’ll feel where the corer starts to cut or push through the pepper walls.

Before going any further, consider how you plan to stuff your peppers. If you do so by hand, finely dice your onion(s) so large chunks don’t get in the way during stuffing. If you plan to use a pastry bag, it’s best to mince and puree your onions so the pieces don’t gum up the tip.

For the meat poppers, blend the ground turkey, the mozzarella, and the onion until uniform. Refrigerate the mix until ready to use.

For the meat-free poppers, quarter and clean the avocados and dice the onions as shown above.

Add the avocados, vegan mozzarella, and onions and blend until firm. (It isn’t part of the recipe, but if you want a thicker consistency, pea powder may be added. I personally highly recommend Rollin Greens’s chorizo mix, both for the consistency and the added spice. Refrigerate the mix until ready to use.

For both, you may or may not want to add additional flavorings to the mix, such as minced garlic, fajita spice mix, or whatever else works for you. Just take into account that too strong a spice can interfere with the taste of the jalapeno. For this mix, I added two teaspoons of Ragin’ Cajun y’ALL Purpose Seasoning just to pep it up a bit, and blend it in.

For the Live Rounds, put on fresh gloves (I’m not even remotely kidding here), clean the habaneros, and peel and depit the mangoes. Either finely mince both and blend until uniform, or put them into a food processor and puree. Refrigerate until ready to use.

For each of the stuffings, fit a wide tip on a pastry bag, fill the bag with the stuffing, and fill each pepper with the stuffing. Be careful not to apply too much pressure, especially with the mango habanero stuffing: you do NOT want a chunk of mango to cause a facial splatter or a burst pastry bag. For this recipe, fill 11 peppers with the meat mix, 11 peppers with the meatless mix, and two with the Live Round mix.

Got them all filled up? Refrigerate these peppers for an hour to help the stuffing set, and clean your gear. Excess meat mix may be used for turkey burgers or for a turkey meat loaf. The meatless mix makes an excellent chip dip and sauce for multiple items (I personally love it with eggs). Extra mango habanero mix also makes an excellent chip dip and general sweet spicy sauce, but be warned that it sneaks up on you fast.

Next, wrap each pepper with a slice of bacon or plant-based bacon and secure the slice with a toothpick. (If the peppers are smaller, the toothpicks keep the peppers from sliding through the rack when cooking.) With the Live Rounds, wrap one with bacon and one with plant-based bacon. If everyone is cool with an omnivore selection, mix and match meat and meatless peppers with the strips, but if you’re inviting vegetarian and vegan friends to participate, please show them some respect and keep the real bacon with the meat-filled peppers.

Put them all back on the rack and use the remaining strips to cover the respective stuffed peppers. (The strips help keep the stuffing moist, and they help as gauges of cooking progress.)

If you’re using a standard oven to cook your poppers, set the oven to Bake at 350F/176C and bake them for 30-40 minutes or until the peppers are well-cooked. On a smoker or grill, heat the grill between 250-300F/121-148C, add the peppers, and keep them covered for 1 to 2 hours or until the peppers are well-cooked and the bacon crispy. (As for fuel, charcoal works well, but pecan wood adds an extra tang with its smoke.) When cooked, pull the peppers out to let them rest for about 5 to 10 minutes. Serve with Greek yogurt, sour cream, or salsa.

Harkun Pepper Roulette – Normal (2 to 12 participants)

To play Harkun Pepper Roulette, place each type of cooked pepper on plates or trays, with the respective Live Rounds mixed in. Each participant closes his/her eyes, selects a pepper from the Meat or Meatless selections, and eats. This continues until the peppers are gone.

Harkun Pepper Roulette – Nightmare (2 to 12 participants)

The difference between Normal and Nightmare Modes of Harkun Pepper Roulette is that in Nightmare Mode, both meat and meatless peppers are mixed together, with the Live Rounds mixed in.

(Many thanks to Chloe N. Clark for inspiring this series.)

Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.

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