St. Remedius Medical College: Baking Through The Apocalypse 2026

Introducing the Official St. Remedius Medical College Dessert, St. Remedius Pie

(Who was St. Remedius? And why is a medical college named after him?)

As with many educational institutions throughout space-time, the area around St. Remedius Medical College had particular taste sensations associated with it that translated poorly with attempted transplants elsewhere. For every Norman Cookler’s Widely Celebrated Deep-Fried Tarantula with franchises around the planet, there were fifteen Salt Licks that were less failed chains and more wildly successful tax dodges and money laundering operations. Out of all of the former food truck surprises coming from around the St. Remedius campus, though, none was missed with the disappearance of St. Remedius more than the unofficial official dessert treat known simply as St. Remedius Pie. Experts in a thousand disciplines came to St. Remedius for conferences, confabulations, and confrontations, and nearly every one left with a deep appreciation for a chilled slice of pie, served with a smile and a promise that it would never be available anywhere else. In the time since St. Remedius disappeared without a further trace, stories abounded about recipes buried at the bases of the world’s greatest mountains, inside the reactor chambers of operational breeder reactors, or guarded by the most horrific sigil daemons with a taste for human nerve tissue. Unlike Dallas’s other famous bakery recipe, the recipe was a carefully wardpacted secret, with at least one ingredient currently inaccessible to humans for at least another ten centuries, the water used for its garnishes from a spring dry since the early Pliocene, and a spice for the crust known only to the Vuun.

Those suffering low-level withdrawal upon the lack of truly authentic St. Remedius Pie, though, tend to be particularly inventive and determined, leading to extensive efforts to reverse-engineer a reasonable facsimile close enough to fool those born too late to try a plate. Once a year, the great Gastromancer Guild hosts a bake-off to showcase the abilities and recipes of the greatest of their order, and contestants usually offer their takes on St. Remedius Pie, magic-free, just to show that it could be done.

One of these recipes, by the Tripartite Monks Lorri/Alice/Ralph, was released to the general public to great acclaim and equal derision, with the latter coming exclusively from those who remembered the authentic article. Even so, it remains extremely popular with Dallas tourists, particularly those coming out to watch Outstanding Witch of the Year competitions, even as locals downplay it as “like Ground Sloth Wellington made with old tires and snot.” Both views have their merits.

Ingredients – Pie

1 graham cracker crust (handmade or storebought)

1/2 cup/114 grams Key lime juice (freshly squeezed is best, but bottled works in a pinch

4 teaspoons freshly grated Key Lime zest

4 teaspoons freshly grated Buddha’s Hand citron zest

4 egg yolks

14 ounces/396 grams sweetened condensed milk

Ingredients – Garnish

1 Buddha’s Hand citron, sliced thin and with tendrils removed

Enough water to cover citron slices

1 cup/230 grams lime juice

2 cups/400 grams granulated sugar

Ingredients – Whipped Cream Topping

1 pint/473 mL heavy whipping cream

1 1/2 cups/180 grams powdered sugar

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1-3 drops green food coloring to taste

Oven

350F/176C

Grate the limes to get 4 teaspoons of lime zest. Using a microplane zester or grater is highly recommended for consistency.

Buddha’s Hand citrons come in two forms: “Closed Hand” (top) and “Open Hand” (bottom). For best results with the garnish, select an Open Hand citron, but a Closed Hand may be used if an Open Hand is not available.

With a sharp knife, cut off the tendrils from the Buddha’s Hand citron, saving them for the garnish.

Zest the remaining citron to get 4 teaspoons zest, setting aside the remaining peel and pith.

Juice the Key limes to get 1 1/2 cups of juice. The author highly recommends using a Dreamfarm Fluicer: not only does it allow squeezing multiple Key limes at a time, but a channel at the bottom traps seeds before they can fall into the juice.

Add the lime and citron zest with the egg yolks and mix well. Add the sweetened condensed milk and 1/2 cup of the lime juice, and mix well. Let the mixture thicken at room temperature for about 10 minutes.

Add the mixture to the pie crust and bake at 350F/176C for 15 to 20 minutes, until firm but still slightly jiggling in the center. Cool to room temperature and then refrigerate overnight.

Next, put the removed Buddha’s Hand citron tendrils in a saucepan.

Slice thin the saved citron peel and pith and add them to the saucepan. Add water and the saved 1 cup of lime juice, just covering the sliced citron.

Heat to a gentle boil and boil the fluid down to a syrup. The citron pieces will release significant amounts of water, so this may take a while.

When the citron pieces are translucent, add about 2 cups of sugar to a bowl and line a cookie sheet with baking parchment. With tongs (WARNING: the candied citron will be extremely hot, and WILL burn unprotected body parts), pull pieces of citron from the syrup and coat them with sugar on both sides. When coated, place each piece on the cookie sheet.

(NOTE: the remaining syrup may be saved in a sealable container and refrigerated until used for more citrus peel candying or for other recipes.)

Either using a food dehydrator or a small fan, let the citron pieces dry, turning them every hour or so until all of the granulated sugar has fallen off or sopped up extra fluid. As they dry, try to separate the pieces so they do not adhere to each other when dry.

When dry, separate the tendrils from the slices. Unused pieces may be stored in a sealed container in the refrigerator until used or eaten. If saving the leftover syrup, add any remaining sugar to the syrup container and mix well.

When the citron slices are dry and the pie is chilled, mix the whipping cream, the vanilla, and the powdered sugar until stiff peaks form. If desired, add between 1 and 3 drops of green food coloring to the whipped cream and whip again.

Optional step: cut or score the pie to gauge placement of the whipped cream.

To the refrigerated pie, add two dollops of whipped cream to each piece, one near the crust and one near the center.

Add the garnish to the whipped cream, putting the slices toward the crust and the tendrils toward the center. Refrigerate again for one hour and serve with the remaining whipped cream on the side. Any remaining pieces should be refrigerated immediately for best flavor: the pie may also be frozen and served later, either thawed or still-frozen. (Fun Fact: frozen St. Remedius Pie with whipped cream balls dipped in liquid nitrogen and served on the citron slices is known as “Kerguelen,” and is highly recommended by the Kilok of post-Anthropocene Antarctica.)

(Many thanks to Chloe N. Clark for sharing the recipes from her books and thereby inspiring the St. Remedius Pie, and to Allison Lonsdale for introducing me to Buddha’s Hand citrons in the first place.)

Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.

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