St. Remedius Radio: “The Battle Never Ends”

An Ode To The Incoming Freshman Class of St. Remedius Medical College

(Who was St. Remedius? And why is a medical college named after him?)

One group affected by the disappearance of St. Remedius Medical College that receives little recognition was the new blood. In some cases, literally. When it came to Texas colleges and universities, nothing beat St. Remedius for earned cool credit. The University of North Texas earned its reputation as an art and music college, but unless the idea was to get a Radio/Television/Film degree before getting hired for the documentation crew at St. Remedius, it was a far distant second. Texas A&M? Even their efforts to fill St. Remedius’s absence are horribly inadequate compared to the original. Texas Tech or Rice? Pshaw. Baylor is best described using Hunter S. Thompson’s quote about the Air Force: “…an experiment in mass lobotomy using rules instead of scalpels.” And Southern Methodist University’s one draw for new students is the annual Running of the Coke Dealers. Don’t even get us going about the University of Texas at Austin and its choice of school motto, best used when discussing job prospects after six years of keggers.

Every February, the dream of every high school exonormal studies enthusiast was to get that special blue envelope in the mail stating that they made it through the gantlet of testing, essays, and sheer bloody-mindedness. All were postmarked “February 30,” which was not a typo: the mailings were made via a contract with the Denisovian Embassy, which insisted upon a non-Gregorian calendar. Many came with information on additional financial aid resources, less loans and grants and more opportunities to start working on research projects to pay off tuition and fees, often while the candidate was still in high school. Said information also arrived with extensive release and NDA forms: not every candidate survived to start classes in the fall, but those that did had very valuable experience to go with the physical and mental scars. Even with the relatively high casualty rate, which often took into account the amount of thaumaturgic and cybernetic augmentation necessary to allow the candidates to live full lives, the St. Remedius admissions office was overloaded with applications every year: anybody could go to college in Texas and get a deviated septum or a police record full of felonies, but where else could you go to risk encountering the Harkun Diplomatic Corps or work with pikas in person? If nothing else, the stories in subsequent workplaces about where that gem-encrusted eyeball came from made the pain and horror all worthwhile.

And while you’re at it, the request lines are now open, complete with playlist.

Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.

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