October Sun Brings Autumn Fun
(Who was St. Remedius? And why is a medical college named after him?)
(From the weekly newspaper Creative Onanism, available online and from bins across the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex. First copy is free; all additional copies are $2.50, payable in cash, card, Bitcoin, and magic beans.)
It’s mid-October, and you know what that means? For most of you, this means the annual Red River Rivalry, where watching 22 clods beat on each other on a football field is your reason for existence. Not that we’re arguing: as we write this, the streets of downtown Dallas are rapidly filling with briefly borrowed beer, and kayaking, synchronized swimming, and high-diving on Main Street should be set up on Friday evening by the time the blackout drinkers from Plano and Allen get there. Every year, the Creative Onanism booth is set up right next to Roofie Margaritas, where we’ll be giving out coozies, condoms, and broad-spectrum antibiotic autoinjectors for Dallas’s biggest drunken blowout not involved with a Catholic or Mexican holiday of the calendar year. If you’re bringing out the pontoon boats and inner tubes, we’ll see you there.
Now, if you aren’t up for loud vowel movements and the occasional beating on the DART trains heading for downtown, much less the inevitable rematches with the St. Remedius Hodags Women’s Football team, there ARE other things to do, and not just the annual Southern Methodist University Running of the Coke Dealers on Saturday. (We’ll be out there, too, right next to the Tim Waite For Governor office.) Some even don’t involve severe liver damage or damaged chromosomes. For instance:
Numero Uno: Dallas’s best Hatebeak cover band, Mandatory Parker, plays on Saturday evening at Catch-22 in Acro Alley. One of Dallas’s many hidden secrets just finished a massive renovation and update, including a new air conditioning system, Nertz soda dispensers, and new total-conversion energy toilets, so fans and newbies alike should have an exceptional experience. $10, door opens at 9:00.
Numero Two-O: Eternal Standoff at Siouzi’s Coffee & Books. Always wanted to settle the argument between an irresistible force encountering an immovable object? Better, did you want to settle it with the help of some of Dallas’s best and most powerful thaumaturges showing everyone how it’s done? Owner Siouxzi Wooten and her daughters Coatlique and Cymoril host a night of raw and refined magical energy that may or may not involve wood and magically modified woodchucks. Saturday starting at 6:00 pm. Free.
Numero Three-O: Creative Onanism alumnus and newsletter writer Benjamin Willard reads from his new book Hands Up, Who Likes Me: Why Space Precinct is the Best Science Fiction TV Show Ever and Other Arguments at Mendellosian Books. Saturday at 7:00. Free if you buy the author a drink before he starts whining.
Numero Four-O: It’s once again time for the St. Remedius Medical College I-20 Road Rage, sponsored by Club Scintilla. For one day, the whole of Interstate Highway I-20 from Forney to the edge of the Edwards Plateau and back becomes a showcase for the ultimate in experimental racing cars from St. Remedius department teams and dedicated loners. A list of participating racers was unavailable at press time, but considering last year’s race, you’ll gt the chance to see the latest experiments in high-speed transport and the potential destruction of parts of Arlington at the same time. Free, but get out early for a good view.
That’s it until next week, so when you awaken from your induced coma, we’ll see you then. In the meantime, if you encounter a Creative Onanism staffer, cover their bar tab and enter a chance to win…something. They’ll all be drinking perinool, mostly to cover over the stench of downtown when the water skiing on Elm Street starts.
And while you’re at it, the request lines are now open, complete with playlist.
Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.
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