St. Remedius Radio: “Musical Thrones”

Introducing Carrie Neil, The Musical Omnimath

(Who was St. Remedius? And why is a medical college named after him?)

In the glory days of St. Remedius Radio, one of the most-desired guest performers on the Saturday night show “Repent, Harlequin” was the local musician Carrie Neil. Even by Dallas musical standards, Carrie was a marvel, as she was not just a musical polymath, but an omnimath. Vocals, guitar, saxophone, piano, theremin, tuba, chopsticks, waterphone…from her earliest exposure to music at the age of two, Neil could master an instrument within seconds of encountering it and sing any song perfectly after one listening, and spent her grade school days inventing new musical instruments to create the sounds only she could hear at the time. By high school, she was famed for her solo concerts, but she really bloomed upon entering the St. Remedius music program. She rapidly demonstrated her aptitude with musical genres as well as musical instruments: opera semiseria, speed metal, blues, ska, Chukchuk teria…no matter the genre, no matter the instrument, no matter the venue, Carrie Neil instinctively understood it, adapted to it, and rapidly modified it for her purposes. Even long after her graduation, Neil kept coming back to St. Remedius Radio to “play something new,” and music enthusiasts within range of the station’s signal knew that a Carrie Neil performance on “Repent, Harlequin” was worth skipping food, sleep, sex, and interpretive dance. All of these could be accessed later, and recording shows for later listening were always inadequate substitutes only considered when the listener was undergoing critical medical reconstructions or something equally deleterious to musical appreciation.

Not only was Neil famed for her performances, but also for her treatment of local creeps. Visitors to Mendellosian Books might notice the autographed Carrie Neil LP over the front door but don’t know the backstory: as her post-college musical career started taking off, she caught the unwelcome notice of local music critic Benjamin Willard, with multiple articles on her performances referring to her as “the future Mrs. Willard” and “my beloved” being the least disturbing. When his incessant print requests for “access,” by any means necessary, received no response, he retaliated with cover stories on “How Carrie Neil Sold Out,” which might have been read had they appeared anywhere else. Instead of waiting for the next Audiophiles show to express her ire, she instead focused on her work, finishing an entire album in less than a month and distributing it within two. The new album, “Needledick,” was dedicated to “Dallas’s music journalism holotype,” and the 13 songs on that album were blatant comments on Willard, including a death metal cover of the opening theme to Space Precinct. Suffice to say, every song on that album could be heard everywhere in the general Dallas area: that autumn: Mendellosian Books, the Cheese Cave, and even the Warnell Harkun Cafe, where it was played on perpetual repeat. Anyone else would have been so humiliated that the only trace of their continued existence would be their emptied apartment and a burned portfolio in the middle of the night, but Willard actually requested a license to make the first track on “Needledick,” a concerto entitled “Fat Chance,” the opener for his public access cable review show. According to at least four ex-wives, Willard regularly played “Needledick” over and over in the middle of the night while watching his phone, hoping for that one call that would change his life forever.

As for Neil herself, she currently runs Pikaia Records, a recording studio in Acro Alley, where she alternates between experimenting with maser resonance chambers and assisting other Dallas musicians, as well as volunteering in a hodag rescue center. According to rumor, she played one last show with fellow St. Remedius alumni at their last gathering at Lake Possum Kingdom, and rumors of a bootleg recording of that show haunt the dreams of music addicts everywhere.

And while you’re at it, the request lines are now open, complete with playlist.

Want to get caught up on the St. Remedius story so far? Check out the main archive. Want more hints as to the history of St. Remedius Medical College? Check out Backstories and Fragments. Want to forget all of that and look at cat pictures from a beast who dreams of his own OnlyFans for his birthday? Check out Mandatory Parker. Questions, concerns, and disgust over generative AI? Check out Contact, Privacy Policy, and AI Policy. And feel free to visit the St. Remedius Medical College Redbubble shop for all of your Mandatory Parker needs.

Benjamin Willard Carrie Neil music Music Department musical instruments St. Remedius Radio